"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't

 I'm tired of me
 I'm tired of life.
 I'm tired of ....everything.
 I'm tired of the fact that no matter how i intend for a conversation to go..it ends with me in tears.
 I'm tired of the fact that I feel it necessary to apologize for my feelings.
 I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of effort with no results,
I'm tired of having to be adult,
I'm tired of keeping back-up insults,
I'm tired of having no one to consult,
I'm tired of regrets that keep creeping in,
I'm tired of wanting to re-begin,
I'm tired of guilt not wearing thin,
I'm tired of trying, and trying, and trying,
I'm tired of unfulfilled teenage dreams,
I'm tired of not feeling part of a team,
I'm tired of not being able to scream,
I'm tired of nursing low self-esteem,
I'm tired of people ignoring me,
I'm tired of eyes that don't wanna meet,
I'm tired of faking happiness

I am wistful and optimistic,

I wonder what's next;

I hear the sound of laughter

 and I see your smile.

I want faith and desire-

I am wistful and optimistic.

I pretend to be brave;

I feel the waves crashing about me.

I touch the pause button;

and I worry about the end results.

I cry over the lost me and the chances that were never taken.

I am wistful and optimistic

I understand that I can be me;

I say lets run and don't look back.

I dream of what's to come and what will never be again.

I try to be me,

 I hope for faith and desire-

I am wistful and optimistic

I started thinking about this yesterday, and I guess the epiphany moment for me was that "weight-loss" itself can not, IS not, my "WHY." My "why" has to be more tied into what I want out of life, my long term dreams, my goals, my aspirations in life. How can I possibly get excited, how can I possibly dedicate myself to something that I have not linked to the more important things I want out of life. Yeah, I want to fit into smaller jeans, but c'mon, when I lay back on my deathbed and think of the important things in life, am I really going to reflect back to the day I finally fit into a pair of skinny jeans? Maybe, but probably not.

I realized that my "WHY" are my larger life goals, the things I want, my dreams, and that weight loss is merely one tiny step, one tiny part of that "why." A healthy lifestyle is merely a tool that will allow me to live longer and pursue the kind of active lifestyle I want. And I guess what I am saying is that somewhere along this journey I lost that perspective, and a little bit of myself, as well. I did ultimately come to view myself as a number on the scale and that was a measurement of success/failure that I clung too. And it was for that number that I worked the various programs, with the goal being to get skinny. And of course, I had other reasons "to improve my heath" and to feel better, but I completely lost what that meant or why it was important. Simply losing became the goal and, honestly, a shallow, unsustainable, and hollow one. No wonder I burnt out, no wonder I can't find dedication. If someone at the end of my life asked, "and what did you do with your life?" and my answer was "I lost a lot of weight," that would be really, really sad. And of course, not true, because I was a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, a caring person, but in terms of the goals that I set for myself and carried out, if losing was my only goal, I would not be satisfied, because losing weight in and of itself is simply not enough of a "why."

Getting skinny is not going to take me to my goals and dreams, but it is a step towards them, not something I am simply doing for getting skinny's sake. At the same time, that being said, there are a lot of other steps/transformations that I need to be doing at the same time I am working my towards my weight loss goals. My weight loss is not my lifelong dream, it is a step towards the kind of life I want, but that life is not going to be magically waiting there for me once I hit goal. Larger dissatisfaction's are not just going to melt away cause I am skinny. Shaky relationships are not going to miraculously improve just cause I got skinny. My self esteem is not going to magically improve because I am skinny (it may improve some, but so far, it hasn't). It just isn't. So, I have decided to go about this weight loss thing from a slightly different angle, not as a goal in and of itself, but as a step towards the larger things I want out of life.

My "WHY" is ultimately to be able to live the kind of life that I want to lead. I want to lead an active, fit lifestyle so that I don't ever feel my age. I want to be spared the kind of health problems my mom has. I want to be happy and proud of myself. Anyway, I am not sure that this makes sense to anyone outside my head. But I wanted to write it down for myself and share it...

I've been around, just not posting as much. I've started working in a new craft arena (Scrapbooking and Stamping) and that has been taking much of my free time up. What else have I been up to: I did the NAMI walk again this year, and had a great turn out for my second year as team captain.  Hopefully next year we can add a few more walkers.

6a00e55467d780883301157103b667970b-800wi

March of Dimes A worthwhile charity--please check them out and donate, and one day soon hopefully all our babies will be born healthy! I wish I could walk, but I can't take any more time off of work. My thought will be with those walking in honor of Maddie, though.

What is Volkssport?

A Volkssport is an organized non-competitive walk, bicycle, swim, or crosscountry ski which is designed to appeal to people of all ages. It is NOT a contest of speed or endurance. Everyone completes the course at his or her own pace, for instance, participants of a walk event may walk, crawl, jog, stroll, run, or use a wheelchair. Some events may not be suitable for wheelchairs or baby strollers, and each event is given a Trail Rating . Routes are circuitous and the finish is at the starting point. The most common distances are 5, 10, and 20 kilometers. Volkssporting is a family oriented activity!

If you like volkssporting, consider purchasing an "Event" book and/or a "Distance" book . These books are used to record the number of events you participate in and distance (cumulative) completed. The International Federation of Popular Sports (IVV) issues special awards to participants who complete specified milestones (10, 30, 50, etc. events and 500, 1000, 1500, etc. kilometers).

*********

Doesn't that sound like fun?